What does being single mean to you? How do you feel about being single? Are you unsure about yourself? Maybe embarrassed? Have you had some healthy love relationships and they’ve gotten away from you because you may not have been ready? For as many different people there’re that are single, there’s a greater number of reasons as to why they’re single. Being single is not some disease that a person catches and then develops a heightened sense of anxiety from wanting to get rid of it.
I believe initially we all start out in the love game incredibly ill prepared. For starters we think love is something we feel instead of something we do. So we look for love to make us “feel” a certain way. Or should I say we want others (who we are interested in) to make us “feel” a certain way. All the while never taking the steps to provide that “feeling” for ourselves. And even overlooking the love that God has for us and what that feels like. How many of you know what it “feels” like to have God love you? If you do not know then what are you basing your desire to “feel” love on? Simple answer: love is not a feeling. It is an action.
There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person) and loving someone (choosing to love that person). ...The choice to love is not a feeling; it is an action. That is why it's so difficult. So how have you been choosing to love you? If you have to give that question any serious thought you probably haven’t made the choice yet to do so. You’ve probably been flying in and out of love on autopilot trying to make others feel loved by not making the choice to love you ( read that again)!
Men and women both live the single life differently. Women date openly while single and men date privately while single. Women are for the most part looking for companionship and the opportunity to love and nurture. Whereas a lot of men are looking for a physical connection and if from that connection an emotional connection is made we’re sometimes open to it and sometimes not. But usually we’re not looking for it! At least not until we come into the full knowledge of where we need a woman in our life. Which sometimes we do not even know until we meet her.
So what does it mean to be single? If you’re single by choice it is a decision. If you’re single because you have a high moral ground and you refuse to have yourself belittled, violated, played with or disrespected, that's also a choice based on the preservation of self. There is however also a group of single people who’re single because they’re bitter, scared and frustrated, yet they’re oblivious to the role that they may have played in their own singleness. They do not understand that it’s possible that it’s not everyone else who is the problem, sometimes it may be them. These people are single and hurting, single and annoyed, single and anxious, single and discouraged. They’re single and lonely! They’re single and serving hard time!
It’s one thing to be single and understand why you’re in that space. It’s another thing to be single and not understand why. It is yet another thing to be single and take advantage of your singleness by working on yourself! There is no other reason for singleness than to spend time discovering and assessing yourself and discovering and establishing your relationship with God. Whether you’ve never dated before or you’re single after a marriage of many years. Singleness is an opportunity! It is an opportunity to discover yourself. To look deep inside of yourself and connect with yourself in intimacy. Your time as a single man or woman-no matter the reason that you may have become single-is God allowing you time to self assess. The biggest problem is most people will not take advantage of their singleness, they’re still trying to “feel” what love is. A lot of singles want to feel better without looking deeper within. It’s a really easy sell. Simply because immediate gratification feels more satisfying than taking the time and making the necessary investments that you need to before you look for your healing in another person.
So when are you “doing single right”? You're doing it right when you're making healthy self assessments in four ajor areas.
All things that are relative to your past. Meaning decisions, outcomes, adjustments, allowances, habits and your ability to be accountable to whatever role you played in each area.
All things that are relative to the narrative you've written about your past. Are you beating yourself up about the failed relationships of your past? About decisions you’ve made, things that you’ve allowed etc? These things are not a reflection of who you are but what you’ve done. Usually we act according to what we believe. That is your narrative!
All things relative to the stories about your past and the potential effect they will have on your future. What you believe you will achieve. Whether good or bad, positive or negative, empowering or demeaning. What you believe will have a tremendous influence on your future choices. What story has your past written and what effect is it having on your today?
Attending to your inner child. This is where a lot of people's problems start. Love, affection and attention that is not given to you as a child will eventually show up in negative impulses later.
These stories about yourself determine how you behave in your life, what you tolerate in your life and the choices you’ll make in your future.
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